Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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