You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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