If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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