so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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