I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
