You're my little dorito
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
