Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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