I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize