I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
