I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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