I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Be still, my beating vagina.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
