I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Couch. On fire.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
