Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
