sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
