i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
