I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
