May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
