its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
