if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
