remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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