I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
