I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
