So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
