OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I touched a dick in church today
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
