Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
