Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
