Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
