hotel room ftw
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
