Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
