You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize