worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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