You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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