If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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