Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
COCAINE IS GR8
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