I wish my penis had an off switch
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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