Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
