Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
