Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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