Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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