Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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