Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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