i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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