Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
