Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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