I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
