Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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