I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
