walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
