Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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