You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
