Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
