I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
