So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
